I'm learning Welsh.
prepare for strangeness (read only if extrememly bored)
moo = 69er
shlo = 78er
let the freak show begin.
To Whom it may concern, (re: 5 bales at marlport )
I am writing this letter to inform you that the shipment has arrived-5 bales-accurate to your order.
You can pick it up from wharehouse H on the corner of green dock (gate 56) at 5:50pm.
Dont look around, just keep walking untill you reach the main double door entrance, knock 2 times -2 times only.
Then the question will be asked and you must answer. You will be informed what this is at a later hour.
Moving on to more pressing matters; Sources tell me that you were spotted in a blue van heading south out of Marlport.
Would you like to confirm and explain that ?
Or shall we hunt you down for answers ?
We are all deeply saddend by the recent death of Grandma Perkins (codename:rhubarb) it was terribly unexpected
and we regret to inform you that she left a single candel stick to you in her will. Her formal death rites and
ceremony will be held at Marlburl, if you would consider attending the date is the 7th of July and 2pm. We meet at the
giant novelty spoon in the center of Marlburl square, then proceed to the chapel and later to Grandma Perkins'
youngest grandson's house in Marlque drive for cookies and tea.
Have a nice day, and please dont forget to pick up your shipment, the rats are queing up for their share as i write this...yess
their beady red eyes, peering through the cracks of my office.. watching .. waiting, silently harbouring DISEASE !
Festering on their black and brown bristly backs lie infinite dangerous diseases.. your time will come soon dearies
for i will set the RAT TRAPS! yess.. and then you will SUFFER ! your beady red eyes will shine no more but fade to black
and your wee whiskers will twitch like some epileptic in distress NO MORE! bide your time beasties for your time will be over
soon, and may your offspring live in perpetual TERROR following the wrath of my rat traps .. .
We do not know how long we can contain them.
I am writing back to confirm that I got your
delightful email. I shall be there, never fear. I am
glad the bales have arrived this soon. The 'herds' are
I was driving south out of Marlport in a blue van
because the shepherds had spotted me driving towards
00oinks rendevous, and I had to pretend I was driving
to the Venus Parlour in Horpur. I'm sure you can
understand the predicament I was in.
I know wat really happened to Grandma Perkins you sick
fawks. No-one dies at the age of 95 from natural
causes. You know where I'll shove that candle stick
she gave me? Try and find your head and that'lll give
you the answer.
The rats aren't out to get the bales, they're out to
get you you paranoid schizo. They're out to get YOU,
you sick fawk. May they live long and happy lives.
These shepards that you tell of... What might shepards be doing roaming the
desolate country side .. dont tell me they looking after SHEEP ! Dear god,
what is this world coming too !?
Thank you for collecting the bales, 'tis much appreciated for gettin them
out of my wharehouses before anyone finds out.
I hope you enjoyed your meeting with number 34, the candel stick has been
retrieved. well.. not really.. it is still lodged in a certain crevase of
his being !! It is not your job to kill off my minions, that is my job.
Good news on the rat front ! Senõr Tur'kay has rounded them up and
controlled them. Thus now, they have become my ever plentiful army of
DISEASE ! sweeping through Marlport infecting anyone who stands in my way.
Why, if i felt like it i could start another plague !!! yesss... plague...
good day to ye'#78
ps: send the 'heards' my regards.
pps: Grandma Perkins DID die of natural causes. infact, the post-mortem
reveals that she was stabbed to death, if this isnt a natural cause i dont
know what is *shakes head*
I ment to syick the candle stick up your posterior,
but 34 was the only available person, and I was angry,
and we all know what I'm like when I'm angry...it was
a toss up between 34 and the receptionist, and I'd
rather stick something else some where else with that
But then again, I'm sure thats your job as well, and
not mine. *long suffering sigh* But then again it
always IS isn't it? I don't get any fun at all. I'll
have to amuse myself by infiltrating your rat army and
causing multiple mutinys. So look not at me when your
rat army turns back on you.
Anyway, the memory of Grandma Perkins shall be able to
live on forever.Look out your window and you will be
to see a monument the size of a small house sitting in
front of your building. If you go down and look at the
base there will be a very small placard reading 'In
loving memory of Grandma Perkins, may you be haunted
by her for ever you sick fawk'. I did it with the
money you will find missing from your swiss bank
account tomorrow morning. Hackers will do anything if
you pay them enough.
I must congratulate your extensive tributary to Gradma Perkins, we all knew
you had a soft spot for her (ie, your bed).
Well, we all did really, especially 34 thats why i sent him. you knew it too
of course, i am just confirming your suspicions. you have my approval to
knock e's bloody block off for goodness sake theres your fun dosage for the
week, never liked the man anyway, ugly as a pile of vomit on a summer's day
Do not hesitate to borrow the rats, they are multiplying as i write. Though
you may not coup with them.
About the matter of my Swiss back account; that you aledgedly.. 'borrowed'
money from, to erect Grandma Perkins' monument. Though i do agree she
deserved the great feat i believe you could have at least asked me. I will
be notifying the 'parlours' about your behaviour and you will get nothing
!!! mu hu ha ha ..but look on the brigt side ! there are always the rats ..
or the receptionist *smirk*
Hackers eh .. i think this could be a good investment into our 'company'.
look into the matter can you ? ill buy you a private jet.
have a nice day (forcast calls for more brimstone !)#78
Oooooooooh, yes. My bed. You poor deluded fools! That
was only a cover for what we were really doing. Should
I tell you? Yes, maybe I shall, it won't go ahead now,
because she *ahem* died of natural causes. So there is
no harm in telling you now. We were actually plotting
your downfall. 34 could have had her in my bed and I
wouldn't have blinked an eye. All we wanted was to see
you dead. but *sighs* I'm afraid her untimely death
flushed that one down the toilet. Friends? I promise I
won't scheme against you for a month.
And don't worry, I've already knocked 34's head off.
When sending some one on an assasination attempt, tell
them that staying in the shadows and sneaking is a lot
easier than disguising oneself. 34 is recognisable in
any guise. Especially a prostitute, as I know all the
ones around here quite intimately anyway, and platform
shoes really aren't that good for sneaking. I
congratulate you on finding yet another imaginative
way to kill off yet another buffooon; the kind you
seem so keen on hiring.
yes,yes, the only problem with asking you is that you
would never have said yes. You're a notoriously stingy
bastard, you know that?
I geuss I'll have to survive off receptionists then :(
I've found quite a few good hackers. Theres a group of
them, they all wear black and they keep on going on
about the matrix, but overlooking their peculiarities,
they're bloody good. They go as ; Trinity, Neo and
Morpheus. Apparently we have to look out for Agent
Smith if we hire them though. What kind of an
unimaginative Agent name is that? Gee, agents these
days should have a little dignity! Back in my
day....oh wait, it is my day.
I shall talk to you later, and please don't send any
more assasins for a little while, I've been awefully
busy lately, and I really don't have time to play.
Plotting to kill me eh .. what a nice suprise !!! I dare say im glad you
didnt tell me, or send anything too soon. Oh ! *weeps* thank you so much !
how did you know ?.. i was getting rather bored with being highly regarded,
and respected all the time, no enimies as such .. but .. sadly Grandma
Perkins *ahem* died of natural causes, so alas, your plan cannot go though,
perhaps you will find another partner in crime soon? oo i do hope so
*squeals with excitement*
hmmm .. these.. hackers sound interesting, We havent had a good old bank
robbery in along time my friend.. actually thats more like, be 10,000 km
from the bank and secretly steal the money over the internet. *sigh* i do
miss the old hold up days.
Perhaps once my rats have gone through their training course, yess... they
can gnaw on the money bags, even lead safes !! mah ! i will have their teeth
titanium plated !!! perfect ..
Thank god for that, 34 was a bit of a marl-head, ever since he started
wearing women's clothing i got a bit suspicious. I will have to pass your
thoughtful message on to future assassin's, thank you kindly.
I only hire "buffooons" because i am still doubting your skills when it
comes to deflecting assassin's. So far i am somewhat impressed, but your
test is still to come. So be it ! I shall hire non-buffoons to kill you!
Ah yes, i was thinking perhaps you would like to meet us at the marborough
inn, 'ave a few drinks, 'ave a few ladies . . like old times ! It will be a
grand event and we all wish to see you again, especially since your forced
exile 3 years ago..
hope to see you soon
Firstly, I will condescend to apologise about the
tardiness of this letter. I was getting withdrawal
sympotoms, seen as how all parlours around these areas
ahve been refusing to see me. For some strange reason.
So I have been otherwise consoling myself. *sniff*
I'll do my best to find another partner in crime. We
can't have you getting slack in your old age now can
we? No I thought not!
I'm sure your rats shall do splendidly. As all your
other hare-brained schemes have gone brilliantly!
Remember that time when you decided that instead of
crows you would train sparrows to attack people, cos
no one would even think that sparrows would want to
attack them. And then McHaggle's crows took them all
down in under ten minutes? And that time when you
decided that you'd pose as mini-me to infiltrate
hollywood. If I remember correctly that didn't work
too well either.
Well, I shall be delighted to 'ave drinks with you,
though 'aving some ladies I would prefer to do
seperately, last time we tried that it was rather
disasterous. And I also look forward to you sending
some proper assasins. Oh. was yesterday a proper
assasin? Tell him that sodium in drinks may be rather
impressive, but then the victim can ussually tell that
its there, especially if you put in a chunk big enough
to sink the titanic just seconds before the victim
walks into the room. If you really want to inform him
of this you'll find him in a shallow grave just West
of Grundale...along the main highway if I'm thinking
of the right person.
catch yo later.
this will be breif, as i am currently attempting to run and write. i never
knew my ass was so big & heavy !
marl .. anyway. im running because they found me. alas, the ants have
returned, in their hoards. i noticed them this morning when i discovered an
old wrinkled salami under my bed .. oh ! the HORROR !
i do not know where i will go. but they are coming for me. i can feel it in
my snout and curly tail.
best of luck with finding my new address. oh ! dont forget about the stew, i
left some on the kitchen bench, if your hungry.
I'm sure my years of stalking you will come in handy
in trying to find your new address.
Oh, and the ants VERY DEFINITLY WERE NOT (I repeat
NOT) sent from me :D I would never do anything so low
and dirty, especially not to a man who tries to kill
my while I'm having fun with a lady.
Although I must say, I did enjoy our little
re-aquaintance, apart from that unfortunate
I ate the broth.
was that supposed to be poison? huh. I'm the resputin
of poison handlers. There were a few...uh...side
effects, which regretably forced me to make my toilet
my home for a week.
POISON !? oh no dear, that was the BROTH !
aaaaannnntss .. i had to call an exterminator from my cave phone.
little beasties !
ahem, let us not dwell upon the unfortunate incident of ubermarl.
Or the cows & the tractor.
So.. tell me. . . how fare the 'heards' ? did you bid them good day as i wished ?
have fun at the hospital next friday ^_~
x. diabolos pig. (78)
Oh yesh, the hoshpital. I had a lot of fun there,
exshept for that nursh that looked shushpishishly like
a guy. He knocked my teeth out when he was shupposhed
to be tidying my bed. In my day we didn't have shuch
Really, we ought to get together shometime, jusht to
dishcush the level of your ashashinsh. They're still
dreadfully poor quality. Your 'nursh' in the hoshpital
fell for the old 'I bet you couldn't jump out of that
window and shurvive' trick. What ish with people
having to prove themshelvesh?
Think about my suggeshtion. I miss our shintilating
ahh .. glad to see your up and awake and not breathing though tubes inserted
into your orriffices ^_^ sorry about the teeth, youve got to admit though
the antics were classic (merl filmed the whole thing, i have added it to our
extencive funniest home video's library) I have however had a change of
heart and sent an appoximent ammount of money enclosed to fix you up with a
new set of your choice.
heh. we managed to get the nurse's bloody remains as well. ill let you watch
when you invite yourself over next.
ahh yesh, i do think it is time we met again. strictly on business of
course.. no beer nuts for you ! .. i dont want to have to pay my cleaners
anymore than their under-the-minium-wage earnings to clean out the bathroom
!! AGAIN !!!
must be waddling off anywho..
stop by sometime when all your teeth are back in. I cant stand the site of a
man with two gaping holes where his front teeth used to be -_-